The 5 Times Shepard was Awake and the 1 Time He Slept
by potionsmaster
Summary: Shepard never liked to sleep much. *Wish You Were Here* universe.


_**The Five Times Shepard was Awake and the One Time He Slept**_ , by potionsmaster

Rating: T for language

Summary: Shepard never liked to sleep much.

A/N: for Mareel. For all the late-night chitchats for when myself and Shepard can't seem to find rest. Playing with an expanding writing style, too. The sections deliberately increase in length as the fic continues. Hope it works.

* * *

 _ **one**_

Waiting.

That's all he was doing. The barracks were dark and silent, bunk hard, but he didn't concentrate on that. He was too...something. If there was a word for it, he didn't know. Not exactly nervous, though he was. It wasn't apprehensive. Excited? Maybe that was it. He sighed and rolled onto his back, hand on his stomach. It was going to be a long night and a longer day if he didn't at least manage a few hours.

Helluva way to start his tour on a brand new ship.

 _ **two**_

Shepard tiredly crossed his arms and leaned against the counter in the mess, waiting for the hot water to run through the machine for his tea. He glanced over his shoulder down the crew deck; people were starting to mill about as the day got underway. As ever, Kaidan was bending over the console outside Shepard's quarters. He stifled a groan. The urge to rub his eyes was strong; he needed to erase the mental images burned into his brain that were only encouraged by that and, um. Those... _dreams_ , or whatever they were. Yeah. The dreams about the lieutenant were getting...um.

 _Well._

He wasn't exactly able to sleep restfully when he finally did, put it that way.

 _ **three**_

A sigh and rustle of blankets came from the bed. Shepard got up from his console and went over to his berth, anxious. Kaidan was curled up on top of his sheets, throw blanket rucked up around his shoulders, fatigues rumpled and boots still on. He smiled to himself as he straightened the blanket a little and traced a gentle line across the lieutenant's lips; a softer sigh and a nuzzle into his palm made his heart skip a beat. Kaidan would be mad at himself that he was rude for not taking off his boots and madder still that he allowed himself to fall asleep when Shepard himself was still awake. He could almost hear the conversation they would have when Kaidan woke up and was told he needed to get ready to drop; Ilos was going to be a nerve-wracking mission and Shepard needed him to be sharp. What Kaidan would probably never know was that even though the commander wasn't sleeping again tonight, it eased his mind anyway to know that he was nearby and ready to help. That was more restful than anything else, Shepard decided.

Nowhere else he'd rather be if this was to be his last night alive.

 _ **four**_

" _Good evening, Shepard. Is there something I can assist you with?_ "

"No, EDI. Just going to do some surveying."

Shepard only slightly hesitated this time before sliding into the co-pilot chair. The CIC was darkened and Joker was already on crew deck, bunked down for the nightcycle. The planet Venture in the Iera system had been labeled 'rich' for resources, but upon further inspection was just one more thing to frustrate him: it was riddled with palladium. He didn't fucking need anymore goddamn palladium; the cargo hold was stuffed full of it. He needed platinum. And eezo. And fucking hell, he needed Kaidan by his side again more than any precious metal. That would have been the best payoff for getting sent to Horizon, but instead- Shepard brought his fist down on the console interface sharply, scrubbing the other hand over his buzzed hair in aggravation.

"Commander…? EDI said you were experiencing some distress. Did you...need to talk some more?"

He grit his teeth and looked over his shoulder. Kelly was hanging back a few paces, fluffy bathrobe dwarfing her tired, droopy face. She was holding out a steaming mug of coffee for him. For someone who was supposed to know the crew like the back of her hand, he couldn't figure out for the life of him why she would even attempt to offer him any.

"Appreciate the sentiment, Kelly, but no. Really. I'm fine. Please go back to bed."

"Pardon my saying so, Commander, but you should really try to get some sleep yourself. Just allowing yourself some distance from the whole scenario might help."

Shepard gave her a tight-lipped smile.

"I'll think about it."

 _ **five**_

Shepard paced in his quarters, staring at his datapad but not comprehending any of the numbers and letters. He knew he should be trying to sleep; there were a few hours of downtime between the Cerberus base and reaching Earth, and he absolutely knew that he needed to be at his best but he just couldn't settle. He tossed the datapad on his desk next to his terminal and plunked himself down in his desk chair for the what seemed like the thousandth time that night. Rest. He needed rest. The sheer amount of messages in his inbox was overwhelming. It might have been less daunting if he actually deleted the ones he had already read/didn't need, but he couldn't bear to. He tabbed over to his favorites and all of Kaidan's popped up.

 _/Dinner?_

 _Hey, Shepard. I don't know about you, but I could sure use a little breather.../_

The words blurred on the screen and Shepard rubbed his eyes. A little breather. Yes. That was a good idea. Kaidan always had a way of taking care of him, even when he didn't know it. He pulled out his dogtags and rubbed his thumb over the stamped info. _LtCmd JShepard:_ _5923-AC-2826. DOB: 11Apr, 2154._ New tags that already had some of the finish rubbed off of the letters from the familiar nervous gesture.

"EDI?"

" _Yes, Shepard?_ "

"Where's Kaidan?" He stood up and tucked the tags beneath his fatigues again, thumbing the monitor off. His stomach was churning as he pulled on his hoodie and headed out of the cabin, making up his mind. One last plan of action before the final push. Then he could rest.

" _Major Alenko is in the_ _Starboard Observation Lounge. He is alone._ "

"Thanks, EDI."

Just a little breather to set his mind at ease.

 _ **one**_

Kaidan rested his chin gently on top of Shepard's head, arms wrapped around the commander's prone form as he stared out the observatory's viewing port. Beautiful view. Yeah…They were crammed on one of the couches because Shepard didn't want to go back to his cabin. He pressed his lips softly to the scar bisecting Shepard's hairline and looked at the dogtags clutched in the other man's hand. So simple a thing, just...benign little pieces of metal.

 _LtCmd JShepard:_ _5923-AC-2826. DOB: 11Apr, 2154._

 _Maj KAlenko: 3126-LP-0413. DOB: 21Mar, 2151._

He didn't want to sound fatalistic or anything like that, but he severely doubted they'd be afforded the opportunity to exchange other small pieces of metal later in the form of wedding bands. It had been quite a ride. He hoped it wouldn't be over too soon, but at least they had this one last moment together. It wasn't enough. So much lost time...It would never be enough.

The commander sighed deeply in his sleep, burying his nose in the crook of Kaidan's neck. This was the first time Kaidan had actually seen him truly relax. Even a few days ago, before the Cerberus base when he'd gone up to his quarters with the express reason of getting the commander to take it easy for 'just five minutes', he hadn't truly settled down for more than a few hours. They both knew Shepard was humoring him with the whiskey and Kaidan loved him all the more for actually allowing it. Back on the SR1, the mission was everything, but now...John had really taken his request to not to let time slip them by to heart.

He just wished they would have the opportunity to have more of it. Another soft kiss against Shepard's forehead was very necessary, as was tightening his arms around him. After he and the commander had spoken earlier, Kaidan couldn't imagine what his life would have been like if they'd never met. He chided himself; what a sad and lonely thought. They were here now. Together.

Let tonight be enough.


End file.
